Why are we fighting?
We will usually fight in our relationships when we are afraid or aren’t getting something important we need. In simplest terms, when you can identify the fear, and bring the security to remove it, the fear conflict will resolve. Identify the need, develop a strategy to meet it and the need conflict will resolve. Knowing what you are fighting about is key to resolution.
I first went to the place of resolution, peace, and victory to give you hope that it can be done. Before resolving conflict functionally in a relationship, however, relating systems must be developed and set in place. Without these, painful conflict patterns will repeat, the relationship will suffer, and you will grow hopeless without answers not knowing what to do.
So I ask the question of myself when I feel anxiety and tension building;
What am I afraid of, or what is threatening me that I’m digging in my heels about?
Or it could be;
What do I need that I’m afraid I’m not going to get, or dying without?
Once again, we’re back to self-discovery, and understanding what my emotions are doing and why. Then risking vulnerability to share my discoveries with my partner, and inviting them to work with me. Oh, the bold risks intimacy demands! We will either take the risks, and resolve together, or purpetually fight. These are the only two options love gives. I like the high road of humility, vulnerability and self-disclosure. The rewards are connection and heart shared love.
Conflicts don’t have to be walls, they can be doorways. It’s all aout how it’s handled. Will I sabotage with stinky patterns, or will I grow in love?
Three Keys to Unlock Conflict Resolution
1. Agree Together To Live a Resolved Marriage as Much as Possible
This is a big deal, and many marriages suffer repeating conflict cycles because they haven’t agreed together to tackle the issue of conflict and learned to fight fair. Healthy communication and fighting with integrity is a learned skill and a mark of spiritual growth for the emerging marriage. (I have a book about this, that will be released later this year.) Determine together you will not be victims.
You must come to a place of commitment as marrieds; that you will not let unresolved issues destroy your connection together. Nothing is more hopeless and discouraging than a disconnected marriage that can’t heal because you don’t know what to do. There’s no lonelier place. You just need some tools and some fresh strategies to try that will work.
You are the architect of your marriage, you can do it! You just need some hope and courage to remove destructive patterns and replace them with life-giving ones. Conflict can’t be avoided or swept under the rug, it must be faced head on with honesty, vulnerability, and integrity. The elephant will never leave the room until it’s identified and invited out. We know elephants can be messy!
2. Develop a Safe Place in Your Marriage
This is where you humbly acknowledge and take responsibility for the destructive attitudes and words you use towards each other. This is hard at first to take responsibilty for our anger, degrading attitudes, and bad words we use. We may need some anger management, and some outside help. Get it, it’s worth it.
Try to give each other permission to call you out on your bad patterns. We tend to not change and grow without accountability. We married our accountability partners. It’s good to develop some outside ones too. Those we can share our struggles with. Same sex mentors are good to find and help us grow.
Have a talk with each other about your talking styles and attitudes. Try not to blame the other, but own your stuff. Be honest about how certain comments, sarcasm, and abusive attitudes make you feel. You must be willing to unpack the way you do it together and agree how destructive it is to you both.
Confess your degrading patterns to each other and forgive and start fresh. Keep short emotional accounts or you will punish each other emotionally. Agree together to establish a safe emotional environment. Old patterns die hard but we are creators of our own marital destiny by the life-giving patterns we develop.
3. Learn and Use Active Listening and Validation Skills
Use structure to avoid escalation when you unpack your conflicts. Use the speaker-listener model. This keeps you from interrupting and defending yourself. Defensiveness sabotages the process quicker than anything.
Invest in books that can help you with this. I recommend “Love Talk” by Les and Leslie Parrot. It’s harder to listen than talk and takes disciplline. Our one mouth seems to do more talking than our two ears do listening.
Another helpful resource is “The Seven Conflicts.” By Tim and Joy Downs.
Avoid and remove invalidation;
“That’s silly.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.” “You’re so emotional.” “Only an idiot would say something like that.”
Any of these comments communicate invalidation. “I judge and reject your feelings.” Of course you won’t offer any more vulnerability to a small attitude like that.
It’s important for you to understand that you are not a victim of a bad marriage. You are victims of what you are doing to each other. Your marriage is who you are together. Your dynamics are the sum of what you do to each other. If the fruit is bad, it’s because of the bad seeds you are planting in your garden over an over. I marvel at how many are unable to see this or do anything about it.
Owning who you are in relationship and taking ownership of your sin and brokennes is your only hope of change. Exploration of this is the avenue to your escape from pain and repeating destructive cylces. As our hearts heal, so will our dynamics. God the Father calls us out to grow in the way of love into mature sons and daughters. He brings the resources of heaven to bear on healing willing hearts. We need only to seek Him and ask Him for wisdom. (James 1:5)
Ask your partner to tell you what shuts them down or degrades them with a willingness to own what you do and how you cause them to feel. You must become safe with each other, and it must be safe to let your self-protection down so you can have emotional honesty and heart to heart intimacy together. This is where marriage is supposed to go; heart to heart connection. This why we married the one we love.
It’s normal to get lost in the weeds and forget what it’s all about. You aren’t the only ones. It’s not normal to grow cold and freeze to death together, rather press in, hack through the jungle with our machettes and find the hearts of our lovers again. I will always write to this because it was God’s intent from the beginning to be connected to the one we married.
The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18
God didn’t put us together to live disconnected lives, cut off from the life-giving nurture and connection that is available to us. The way of love is our salvation.
Pray for me as I finish the book and as always I pray for all who read these words that you will find strategy and new breakthroughs in connection and intimacy. That HIs kingdom and will would come into your marriage. Change what you are doing and you will get different things. Life-giving things.
“May the God of hope fill you with joy and peace in believing, that you would overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13
He loves us and wants to help us more than we know. May we yield to His ways and one another.
Dan XO
