What words do you think of when you hear the word escalation?

I go first to anger because anger is the fuel of escalation. What you are doing or saying is making me mad and you’re going to hear about it.

I then go to the word destructive because escalation destroys the conflict resolution process. It blows up the communication bridge as bad words are released in angry tones.

Then comes the word avoidance. This is because escalation and its angry fruit avoid real intimacy and disclosure. If I can sabotage the process with my pride and anger, then I don’t have to expose my fearful, insecure, vulnerable heart to you.

We could stop now, but I’m just getting started, and it’s getting good.

Immature lovers escalate and are blocked from intimacy and shared growth. As they grow, more mature lovers learn how to fight fair, and navigate the land mines that produce escalation. They learn to identify the hot buttons that arm escalation and walk in the love and understanding that disarm them. This is the way.

Why Anger is a Poor Manager

You’ve probably heard the saying,

“Anger is a poor manager.”

This is because anger doesn’t manage anything at all. Instead, it gets out of control and creates destructive dynamics that short-circuit constructive communication. We will always want to withdraw from anger and it will create distance. We won’t want to give the angry person what they want because of the hostile attitude.

Anger accuses and uses words that are hurtful and abusive. Anger takes no responsibility for itself as it lashes out. Notice the body language in the picture above; They are in aggressive postures and both point fingers at the other. Neither is listening to the other. She looks like she is winning. He’s fighting for his life. 🙂

Either way, with this communication style employed, they will be sleeping with backs turned toward each other if they even make it into the same bed. There is a better way.

Talk About Where You Are

I was on a job today and a person asked me,

“What do you do when you’ve blown the bridge of communication up with your words?”

I said,

“You rebuild them with your words, life and death are in the power of the tongue.”

If we’ve blown out the bridge with our words, we need to rebuild it with life-giving words. We need humble words, perhaps repentant and confessing ones.

“I’m sorry for those hurtful things I said, will you forgive me?“

“I was being selfish, and self-centered, I don’t want that, I want to grow in love.”

“I see where I have been careless and have neglected your heart, I want to change that.”

“What can we do in our marriage to be more available to each other? It feels like something is always going on or in the way of our connecting meaningfully.”

Another question is,

“What if the other person won’t talk and engage in the process?“

You need to use invitational styles of communication.

“Can we set a time to talk together about our relationship?“

“I value our marriage, and I’m concerned about us. Will you talk with me about where we are and what we can do?”

Explore to find the reason for distance in the marriage and determine to remove it. Refuse to let the hecticness of life squash all romantic feelings from the relationship.

Words Can Hurt

We remember the old saying,

“Sticks and stone can break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

It just isn’t true. We know that words can slice and dice. We all have been hurt by them. In marriage, we learn just how to use them to hurt most the one we love.

Careless or reckless words can tear a marriage to shreds.

“I felt really hurt by what you said, and don’t feel like I can trust you anymore.”

“You really hurt me, and don’t seem to care about it at all. . . and you expect me to be intimate with you?“

We must choose to stop tearing down and use our words to heal, love, and encourage. Use tender caring words.

“How are you feeling today?”

“What was your day like today? Did you face any struggles? I want into your world.”

I’m reminded that every time I have encountered a hurting relationship, communication problems or difficulties are always present. The couple is dismantling their union instead of building it up and strengthening it. This is why there is distance. Over and over I hear,

“Our biggest problem is communication.”

Anger doesn’t listen.

So then my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. James 1:19

Have you noticed in escalation, that neither of you is listening to what the other is saying?

Until we can learn to lay down our swords and listen to and honor what each is saying, we will stay in the merry-go-round of escalation.

Using Structure to Corral Emotions

We need structure to “call us out” on our emotional lack of control. We need accountability in our marriages to deal with our anger and emotional immaturity.

Anger is a God-given emotion, but it becomes sinful when we don’t harness it.

For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:20

Be angry and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your wrath. Ephesians 4:26

We all know what anger does to our hearts, it hardens it and takes softness and tenderness away. We don’t care what the other person is feeling, we just simmer in our anger. We know that anger will punish, and seek revenge. We’ve seen and heard the domestic violence stories.

So, we escalate, what can we do?

• Determine that you’re going to change how you do conflict and refuse to be victims of escalation.
• If things heat up, agree that you will take a time out to cool down before things blow up.
• Set a time to revisit the conflict if you do call a time out. Don’t sweep it under the rug or avoid it. It’s important.
• Observe your tone of voice and body language. Remember much of conversation is non-verbal.
• Set down in chairs and face each other. Verbalize your comittment to each other to fight fair.
• Refuse to use bullying. Call each other out on it if you observe it.
• Use your power respectfully, and in an honoring way.
• Ask questions instead of accusing, or assuming you know what your partner is thinking or feeling. “what are you feeling? How do you feel about what I just said? You seem detached, are you with me?”
• Use the speaker-listener tool to make sure you are hearing and understanding what each other are saying.
• Do all things in love. Speak the truth in love. Forgive and grow together. XO

The Need For Courage

I find the courage needed to write this article when I think about all the hurting, lonely marriages that don’t understand submission.

There can be no happily ever after in a marriage of two people who are not mutually submitted to one another.

People don’t have marriage problems; they have submission problems.

I’m going to explain what that means, who we are submitting to, and why we’re so afraid of it.

What does it mean to submit to another?

While doing a word search on submit, interestingly, I found it associated with the category of softness.

The synonyms I found indicated the state or condition of heart rather than demands of obedience.

I found softness, pliability, flexibility, nonrigidity. The verb, to yield is used.

When we submit, we yield to another. In traffic, a yield sign means I stop and let them go. I give them “the right of way.” I don’t push my way. Not a lot of that around these days.

Unyielding hearts are the ones that struggle with submission; Softness is lacking. There is no negotiating room for mutuality and flexibility. There is also no love to grow the relationship, and the marriage can’t move forward.

Love cannot exist without sacrifice, serving, and dying to self. We need resurrection for divine love that comes through the cross. You can’t resurrect unless you die.

If you avoid sacrifice you will avoid mutual love. One cannot exist without the other. Love will always involve the risk of betrayal and being take advantage of.

Love exists when the risks of submission are taken. If I am wounded in this process, I forgive so I can love again. Love knows that it will cost you everything, and cannot be controlled or managed. It is spontaneous and unpredictable. How fun! Help us God.

Why I Submit

I submit to my wife Linda on a regular basis because I love her. I also submit because God tells me to and I want to do what honors Him, even if it’s hard. I follow Jesus into submission as He provides a clear example. He’s the perfect model for it.

“Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her.” Ephesians 5:25

“. . . submitting to one another in the fear of God. Ephesians 5:21

I can’t expect mutuality in my marriage, or God to bless it, if I resist or selfishly refuse the concept of submission. Mutual submission goes in both directions and is not gender specific. It’s not about power, getting my way, or being right, it’s about yielding, giving way, and honoring.

I also submit in order to be freed from my selfishness. We can be self-centered and narcissistic without the challenges another can bring to us with their desires and needs.

We need to get out of ourselves and care for others. Not only in marriage, but in society where so many are hurting.

Don’t Tell Me What to Do

“No one is going to tell me what to do, or how to live my life.”

“No one is going to control me. I don’t need that.”

“I won’t submit to any man, or woman.”

These people carry strong opinions, that you hear about, and live lonely lives since they need to be in control and dominate their relationships. Even if they can manage a relationship, it’s not mutual and will consist of someone they can suppress.

Easy to be Hard; Three Dog Night

We are living in an unsubmitted culture. The reason our society feels so hard and loveless today is that so few are submitting to one another. Each is on a campaign to convince another to polarize them, whether political or medical.

The relational message being sent, and fueled by fear driven media is,

“You will agree with me and conform to my position or you are the enemy.“

What happened to respecting another’s opinion and valuing them without feeling threatened by what they believe? Are we that fearful and insecure that we need to battle over these differences and issues?

Are we two or one?

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24

I am resisting submission if I insist on preserving my own selfish autonomous kingdom in marriage. I am not submitting when I try to control or change her into what I want.

“You do your thing, I’ll do mine. We’ll check in from time to time, make sure the bills are paid, but there will be no mutual submitting going on here.”

That is so empty and such a sham of what marriage is to be. Instead of mutually submitted oneness, you have independent twoness. This is a recipe for loneliness.

No, it doesn’t mean you “lose yourself,” and become a doormat. That’s more of a threat to me than Linda in this relationship, but I’m not afraid because I’ve learned to stand up for myself and level the playing field. Our respect is mutual, no fighting over power.

We are supposed to be “assertive” and speak the truth in love and expect respect from our partners. It’s not about power, it’s about serving and honoring each other. It may be inconvenient and involve a choice to co-operate, but Isn’t this marriage?

Linda; “Can you help me with something?” (this never happens.)

Dan; (feeling inconvenienced and put upon,) “What do you need?” or, “give me a minute and let me finish this.” Or, “can we set a time to do that later?”

Immediate demands are not always fair, sometimes she needs to wait and respect what I’m doing. She needs to submit and be patient until I can get to her. Honoring must be a mutual thing. At times I need to submit, stop what I’m doing, and help her with what she needs.

This is for all the lonely people

Mutual submission is the pathway for our loneliness to be eased in marriage.

Loneliness is awful. We all want to remove it but often don’t know how, even in marriage.

The common denominator in a lonely marriage is a lack of mutual submission. You just can’t seem to access each other’s heart the way you know intuitively that it can be.

This means two souls making repeated choices that will include sacrifice and submission to one another.

And the Lord God said,

“It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” Genesis 2:18

Those who enter marriage bring this need for companionship with them, this longing for intimate connection with another soul. We ache for it, man, and woman alike.

As we know, just being physically present with another doesn’t mean you are intimate with them, or that your loneliness is being eased. Roommates are not lovers.

Fear & Submission

I wasn’t willing to yield much ground at first when Linda and I married. The first thing God did was start exposing me in my insecure defensiveness and deflating my ego. Imagine that.

There’s nothing like marriage for God to get us where He wants us. I thought I knew God before I married Linda, but I would learn how deep he was asking me to risk in love.

To be honest, submission is terrifying at first and anything but courageous. You don’t know yet how they’re going to treat you in a new marriage. You haven’t developed any safe history yet.

It seems madness to immediately turn over all control to an unpredictable spouse you have no history with, especially with the unhealed wounds the last relationship left you bleeding with.

Yes, you need healing from the past, but my experience was the real healing didn’t begin until I risked loving again and followed Jesus into “I Do” with Linda.

It was scary submission, not very courageous, but at least I was following. You can’t control the healing process anyway; God is the manager of that.

I’m going to leave you with some thoughts about creating a safe history. Invite your spouse to read this blog with you, then talk about the bullet points listed below. See if you can create a safe environment to talk about your feelings and how the two of you “do” marriage together. Talk about loneliness, connection, and emotional honesty.

Creating Safe History

• Open a dialogue. Start talking about your two steering wheels and how you’re using them.
• Yes, talk about power and control. Why not? Something as important as “who’s got the power?” shouldn’t be swept under the rug.
• Negotiate mutuality, challenge the status quo if the playing field needs levelling.
• How are decisions made? Are they mutual, submitted to one another?
• Do you have a say in the decision-making process? You should. Do they? They should.
• Mutuality is not a dominating autocrat suppressing another. (It can be man or woman.)

Submission is learning to give up trying to control your marriage or spouse.

• We all have control issues and don’t want to feel dominated or controlled by another.
• Talk about submission, how you feel about it and what it does or doesn’t look like.
• Talk about when you feel you are losing your freedom by their words, demands, attitudes, or actions.
• Discuss how the attitudes of your partner make you feel in relationship to them.
• Don’t be passive when you are dishonored. You are not a doormat, you deserve respect. Get in their face about it.
• Never co-operate with abusive attitudes or behavior.
• Marriage is to feel like a free place, not a prison.

My prayers and support go out to all who read these words. I can be reached at actionelectric7@gmail.com Reference this website. XO Dan

Connecting Through Adversity

“Love suffers long and is kind. . .” 1Corinthians 13:6

I would be an unfaithful writer if I didn’t write this piece. By now, I think my readers understand that a lot of “happily ever after” is not lived on the mountaintop of marital bliss, but rather in the trenches of resolving conflict. This place can feel more like death and distance than life and connection.

“Unpacking” our bags isn’t easy or fun, nor entering the wounds of our bleeding hearts. But. . .

This is essential relational ground to be covered in our “growing together” process. To avoid this ground is to remain stuck in the wilderness of “immature relating.” This is not a fun place and we want to move through as quickly as possible. The pace depends on our choices and attitudes. Surprise!

Bringing it Home

My wife, Linda, (who may or may not have read this book by the time it’s published,) told me this morning,

“It’s important to write about our failures as well as tell how it’s supposed to be,” I answered, (trying to send a non-defensive tone,)

“You haven’t read what I’ve written, I’ve illustrated a lot of our failures.”

This permits me to tell you more; I’m not “ratting anyone out,” she wants you to have it.

The Fire of Remodel

Your marriage hasn’t been through the fire until you do a remodel together. I’ve decided it’s worse than shopping for dresses with her. When you stop laughing, there’s more.

70 Times 70

No, this isn’t about forgiveness, it’s about how many times a woman is allowed to change her mind. It must be an unlimited amount for me to maintain emotional equilibrium and stay “appropriately” connected throughout the process. The verse of scripture at the top is ever before me.

Feelings

I’ve modified my belief about Linda and her feelings. I’ve never seen more feelings, or time use demonstrated over the choice of tile, vanities, fixtures, or wallpaper and paint styles and colors. I’ve told her,

“Whatever you like honey, I’m fine with it.”

For some reason, that message hasn’t been enough; She wants. . .more. . .involvement. For unexplained reasons, this produces suffering in me. I want to detach and disconnect until she “figures it out,” then re-engage for the installation process, then rejoice over the results.

This hasn’t worked. Back to shopping;

Say “Yes” to the dress

Shopping with Linda for dresses in itself isn’t bad; It’s kind of romantic and fun, for the first few dresses. Then something happens to me. My blood sugar starts dropping, and I start feeling depleted, and emotionally drained. You know, that feeling where you want to take a nap? You mothers with children will relate.

A guy can only emotionally enter into the purchase of so many dresses that get put back on the rack until he starts shutting down. She can only look “beautiful” in so many of them until they all start looking the same. “Can you just pick one?”

It was bad enough before, now worse, since COVID, when they took all the chairs away. At least with a chair, you could sit down to recover. Now you’re leaning on a wall or hanging off a display rack so your knees won’t buckle.

The Internet’s Out!

You want to talk about “deeper life” in the Spirit; Unplug the internet. This is one addiction that causes immediate withdrawal when the “drug” is removed.

I am involved in a large construction project in my electrical business at the time of this writing. The customer and their family decided to continue “living” there during the remodeling process.

They have three young girls, the youngest is ten, the oldest probably thirteen. Their only salvation, crammed into this temporary “bedroom,” has been the internet. My job is to keep it connected and working throughout the process.

The other day, we cut the power to that circuit and forgot to hook it directly back up. The message came through from Mom;

“The girls said their internet has been cut.”

We went into emergency mode and restored it.

Home again

The internet went out at home yesterday. It wasn’t a good day. I should be able to fix it,

“I’m an electrician.”

I want to say;

“ *# Jim, I’m a doctor, not a magician!”

Not wanting it to be my problem, but feeling the necessity to at least put forth an effort; I put on my boots and tromp through the leftover two feet of snow not yet melted from our epic blizzard.

The dish is still up there, and I can see the wire coming down from it. I follow it around the house to where it enters through the wall to the modem. That’s as far as I can take it. Once it goes digital, I’m out.

Frustrated, Linda gets on the phone with the provider. They talk her through different “troubleshooting” steps. I hate those; They rarely work. Sure enough, no resolution. They end the call with the promise to “have it up and running” within forty-eight hours. Frustration and withdrawal increase.

Into the Marketplace

We decide to take a break, get some lunch, and run to Costco. I offer to run the car through the wash for her. The car was greasy and the back window was nearly opaque from the mag chloride they pour on the roads for the ice and snow.

Traffic was oppressive and pushy, everyone and their dog were on the road. Linda says,

“I want to drive through the one by Costco.”

“Okay.”

It’s hard to describe the feeling in the air between us. It’s not a good feeling. It feels “ouchy,” and potentially explosive. We are both feeling “owly,” like we need a snickers bar. You want to say something, but don’t want to start a fire.

We wisely go to Chipotle and eat first. We order our food and decide to eat outside. The ice machine is broken and they have to take our cups into the back to get ice. I bring the food out to the table with the napkins, while Linda goes back to fill her drink glass.

The wind begins gusting and I watch in unbelief and dismay as the napkins systematically lift off the table and blow across the street. Time stands still as I watch them helplessly leave one by one as in slow motion betraying my reaction time.

I had made those her responsibility, she left them unsecured to blow away. Grabbing the last one before liftoff, I put my burrito on it and go back in for more. (here to serve.) It was either that or tear off half of mine. It’s mine because it’s the last one and I rescued it. I’m aware it’s taking more and more energy to stay positive and I have to try. (Love is patient and kind.) I don’t make a big deal about it.

Through the Fiery Carwash

We finish eating and return to the car. Linda drives us over to the carwash; It has gates that stay closed until you select your level of wash, then pay. Linda’s having trouble convincing it to co-operate, becoming more impatient.

I’m feeling an emotional co-dependent reaction to her impatience and immaturity. My undercurrent of judgment and requirement began back at the house and builds along with her frustration.

Several attempts at activating the wash fail, leaving the gate clamped shut before us. It feels helpless and desperate as the heat is turned up. Linda states in exasperation;

“I’ve been here dozens of times and this has never happened.”

I didn’t even try to interfere, letting her work it out. It’s hard to know when to stay silent, when to help, or when to take over. I ask a few questions but am the passenger in this case. I suggest that she push the help button. An electronic (female) voice comes on that help is on the way. We don’t believe her.

It feels like we’re stuck in that elevator when the power goes out, and you use that emergency phone, but no one’s going to come, and the building is burning down. She keeps trying., her anger building along with my judgment.

A young man shows up to help. Linda isn’t as kind to him as she should be. He graciously shows her the process of “getting in” and a receipt popped out and the gate lifted. I don’t remember any expressions of gratitude as we lurched forward. I resist control and try to relax, telling myself,

 “You’re not the Holy Spirit.”

My part is to be “long-suffering and kind” towards Linda when she is being tested. (I’m being tested too.) She doesn’t need pressure from me to “grow up.” It’s easy to be codependent, then resent our partner for not acting “mature,” and get dialed-up with their impatience.

It’s harder to give them to God and extend grace towards them, staying loving and accepting throughout the process, dealing with our own attitudes of pride.

Back on Line at home

The internet started working again, so they were able to fix it remotely. It’s still a mystery what the problem was.

It’s not until the next morning, this morning, that we start unpacking the dynamic of what’s going on. We share a devotional which segues into an honest conversation and objective analysis of where we are, the dynamic we’re experiencing, and our feelings about it. We reconnect and resolve, learning our lessons the best we can, extracting the available wisdom from the experience.

The Moral

The moral of the story is;

we are God’s gift to each other for support and strength in fiery times.

We need to own and accept our limitations to love and surrender together to the process to grow in love.

I need to confess my impatience with Linda’s “growth curve,” accept her with love and grace, allowing her time to struggle through without condemning or pressuring her.

She wants to do the same for me.

These “pressure cooker” times expose our immaturity and provide opportunities for both to see our pride, weaknesses, and limitations, so we can walk through them together.

Applying pressure or manipulating, are broken patterns that need forsaking.

They never motivate change or attitude adjustment. That has to come from God, no matter how uncomfortable we may feel with their attitudes.

We can express our discomfort, but not apply pressure, demanding change, or quicker growth. Abuse is another story with other rules applying.

I have to acknowledge the “beam in my own eye before I can see clearly enough to deal with the speck in hers.” Luke 6:42

In Progress

The upcoming book; Hope for Happily Ever After is in the compiling-editing stage and in progress.

Contact Me;

If you want to comment or reach me, email me at actionelectric7@gmail.com and reference this site. I’d love to hear from you! I also have a Facebook page at facebook@Dan2b1

Joy and peace. Dan

Hi everyone! My book “Hope For Happily Ever After” is coming together and getting closer. I’m under contract with Illumify Media and we’re getting it written, organized and ready to go. The book focuses on “Finding connection in marriage,” and “developing the art of true love.” I’m praying it will bring hope and closeness to many, helping them identify disconnects, and remove the distance in their relationship. If you read this blog, (thank You,) and pray for me during this process. XO

Suffocating fires; Polluted air

I can see the mountains today from my house in Parker, Colorado, as a cold front blows through our state, that’s been burning for months. The smoke isn’t just from our state but from fires from California, Oregon, Wyoming, and probably every other state west and upstream from us.

Many years ago I lived in Casper, Wyoming. I was there when Mount Saint Helens blew. The smoke and ash drifted over the area. One morning I went out to my car and it was covered with volcanic ash. They said to wash it off with a hose because it would scratch the paint. Reports were that when St. Helens erupted that the water level in Yellowstone fluctuated by a third. It’s fascinating that it’s all interconnected.

The drought is severe, California seems to have suffered the greatest losses with whole subdivisions burning up. We’ve had the nuisance of the smoke, so many others have been displaced and have lost everything. I’ve been praying for rain, but it’s not coming. The drought is prolonged. Most of the state is under severe to moderate drought. It’s going to break one of these days. I want to be in a rain forest, but it’s an arid desert here.

I picked the picture above because you can almost taste the salty, fresh air from the ocean, and hear the gulls calling as they fly by. You can feel the cool wet sand squish under your feet, and hear the rush of the water as the waves relax onto the shore.

The fires are going to go out eventually, but it’s been hard to endure the smoke and has made breathing difficult. After breathing it all day, I feel a dull headache, and my throat is sore. Notice suffocation has to do with not getting enough air.

Suffocating Covid

Have you noticed it’s not going away? Once again I cry out to God, “How long oh Lord?” So what’s going on with 2020? It seems unrelenting. I was going to watch the Denver Bronco’s play a football game today but the game is cancelled because the New England Patriots got Covid. It will be played Monday night instead. Isn’t it bizzare seeing NFL games playing in empty or near empty stadiums? At least they’re playing and we’re getting some form of entertainment for which I’m thankful.

I recently took a week in Sedona, Arizona with some longtime friends. We decided to drive, spending a night in Moab, Utah visiting “The Arches” national monument. It was exhilarating to get away from the choking local smoke In Denver, and the views were magnificent.

As we drove south towards Arizona, we noticed more and more stores, stations, and restaurants closed. We ended up driving six hours, finding all the normal hangouts shut tightly down. The worst of the drive was through northern Arizona across the Navajo Indian reservation. Everything was closed. No food, no gas, no restrooms. It was like a ghost town. Apparently, the Indian population is hit hard with many deaths. We were sad for them and prayed for their communities. We were inconvenienced, many of them were dead.

COVID 19, as I understand it, is a respiratory disease attacking the ability to breathe, making breathing difficult. Notice it has to do with “breath.” From what I read, Black, Latino, and American Indians are more susceptible to the virus. For some it can manifest as a common cold with flu-like symptoms, with others it can be much more serious, involving the need for ventilators for one to make it through.

Common Sense; A breath of fresh air

Linda and I believe in using common sense as well as “faith,” so as not to be infected by COVID 19. We don’t attend indoor public gatherings, especially if masks are not being worn. We go out to eat, but wear a mask until we get to our table, then take it off. We prefer outside seating if it’s available. We observe social distancing, with most places open making it mandatory anyway, whether shopping or eating.

We’ve adopted this philosophy from observing the behavior of the populace and watching the numbers fluctuate accordingly. As soon as the “protests” started downtown the numbers spiked. Why? Large gatherings of people not wearing masks or observing distancing. The same thing in Boulder, parties, indoor and outdoor gatherings, no masks, no distancing, outbreaks. It’s like some are in denial that the virus is among us, or don’t care.

I don’t understand the foolishness of making mask-wearing some kind of political statement. It hacks me. Everyone has to make some kind of a statement these days. That’ll be the next paragraph as my rant gets going.

Breathing in a suffocating political environment

I know government, politics, and elections are necessary, but I hate what it does to people. I feel like I’m suffocating in the sickening time we live in politically. I feel I can hardly breathe at times, and I have to work harder at “breathing,” to get any air at all. I groan in my spirit, “How long oh Lord?” I ask “Where are you Lord in all of this?”

Last night a man was shot and killed in downtown Denver after a rally. I barely know who the opposing sides were, but this anger rises up inside of me saying, “why is this stupidity even going on?” It’s creating an escalated suffocating environment that is bearing the fruit of people getting killed. It seems to me the Devil is having his way, creating these environments that set the stage for mayhem.

I have a hard time finding God in it at all. All of society is being dragged through it. The crap slinging, demoralizing political adds are suffocating to me. I so wish things were being done with the Kingdom of God feel.

If your position is better and more powerful, state your position and stop trying to gain power by demoralizing and attacking your opponent. Sell your product, if it’s worth it, people will buy it or vote for it. Leave your competitors alone. I know politics don’t work that way, but I like the philosophy anyway, it feels softer and more fruitful. If God wants you in, you’ll be in, if he doesn’t don’t be a crybaby about it. What happened to good sportsmanship? Give that expectation up.

Discernment to keep breathing

As I was sweeping up red Acer Maple leaves from the front yard tree, I thought of the song by Buffalo Springfield, “For what it’s worth.” Today is a repeat from the late ’60s and ’70s.

“There’s battle line’s being drawn, and nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.”

“What a field day for the heat, a thousand people in the street, singing songs and a carrying signs, mostly say hooray for our side.”

Cultural Conditioning

“Be not conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.”

I believe there are spirits of the world that are operating in our culture today that if Christians aren’t discerning, they will be caught up in those spirits and will be acting like the world and hating along with the rest of the world.

I look at it this way. We are all swimming in the same cultural sea as it were like fish. We are breathing the same air through our gills as the rest of the world. There is poison in the water in case anyone hasn’t noticed. We will be infected by the social virus that is in the very air we breathe unless we are discerning.

There are tormenting spirits involved with what is going on in our society today. To “go with the flow” of what’s going on is to be deceived, have you taking sides, and enter into a contest that God doesn’t call us to. The devil would love us to get out on his playing field to destroy us. Remember he’s the god of this world, and loves what’s going on now.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities and powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”

Think of this verse in the context of the present chaos and mayhem in our country and in our cities. I live in Denver and it’s awful here, what’s going on the attitudes of people.

Reports have it that ten per cent of the City of Aurora police force have resigned because of legislation defunding the police force. They are unwilling to continue having their authority taken away to do their job.

Suffocating Spirits

Political spirit

There is a political spirit, and it’s the one that says, demands, in your face, “You have to take sides!” “You have to have an opinion.” Battle lines being drawn. I can’t remember as much political and social unrest as there has been since the last election. The one elected hasn’t been the issue in my opinion, rather the extreme responses of the ones opposing him.

We’re called to pray for those who have authority over us, that we might live peacable lives. That’s the only thing I find we’re called to do. Voting is a good idea. It’s an awful time emotionally and spiritually in our political environment.

The defunding and stripping of authority of local police departments is what I believe to be an unravelling of the structure of our society. This will be replaced by lawlessness and anarchy as authority is stripped from the police force and hands of officers are tied so they are unable to protect themselves.

In a recent Fox 31 news story about the retirement of police officer Lt. Dave Cernich, and a letter he sent to City Council. the article reads; Quoting the letter directly,

“It is with great sadness that I inform you of my retirement after 25 years in law enforcement. I spent the last 20 years in aurora and it was a pleasure to do so, until this year.

I can honestly say that my retirement is a result of you, I am disheartened by your lack of respect for the occupation I’ve revered for so long”

“I’m leaving premature as a result of what’s going on in the community. What’s going on in the community is fostered by city council and the city manager…Ninety percent of my department wants to leave. They want to leave for the same reasons…They don’t feel appreciated by the community anymore. They don’t feel appreciated by city council anymore, there’s protests every single week-end, there’s people spitting on us, calling us all kinds of bad names.”

“The city thinks their First Amendment right is more important than my life. I can’t protect my cops anymore. City council is dictating what the cops do. I can’t protect my troops anymore; as a lieutenant, if I can’t protect my troops, I don’t need to be there,” he said.

“This is an agenda being politicized and it needs to stop. You’re going to lose a lot of good people who aren’t going to be there when you need help”

I interviewed a lady married to an Aurora police officer to get my facts straight. She said that many Aurora police officers have retired from the force to take up other trades and careers in the face of the increased risk and stripping of protections.

Also law suits can now be filed against officers with any complaints of “impropriety” entangling “offending officers” in court and potentially costly lawsuits up to 25,000,00. Many will “settle” out of court, not wanting to spend the time and money to drag through a lengthy trial. Cops have now become the criminals and the criminals are suing them.

” I don’t like the way he frisked me, it was sexual, or an “assault.”

Many feel the risk isn’t worth it with the protections that are being removed, and are leaving.

We know that there are offending officers, and bad, wrong things have been done by some, who should be brought to justice. We’ve seen the videos, over and over. Black lives do matter, as any other color does, but to dismantle the police force, and throw those who risk their lives for the public under the bus for the sake of First Amendment rights is not the answer. Look what happened to downtown Denver. It was disgraceful to all involved.

Government should protect us all, not put us at risk, taking away our protection. Will we repeat the mistakes of the sixties and seventies with this new “cultural revolution?” I think we already have that answer. We need to pray for America for God to heal our land.

Prayer

God help us not to suffocate in these difficult times. Give us air to breathe in our “oxygen starved” environment. Bring the rains that our land needs, put out the fires. You are good. Protect us from covid, help us make wise choices. Bring us a cure. Have mercy on us and our country, and heal our land. Bring humility and repentance. Heal the division in our country, and quench the incendiary, hateful party spirit that has been loosed over us. Grant us discernment to see when wrong attitudes and spirits are operating. Free us from hate and bitter hearts. Break negative agreement and death dealing words over our nation. Where there is hatred bring love, where there is strife, bring unity. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Love, Peace, and Grace. Dan XO

If you watch the NFL, You’re familiar with the clip C’mon man! It’s a commentary of outtakes on different players in the league that do unconventional, uncool, or downright brainless things. These things violate the code of normal or proper conduct expected from professionals that are being paid the money they are to entertain us.

Unsportsman or non-professional conduct could get you on C ‘mon, man. You don’t want to be on C’mon man. One of my favorites, seen recently, was a fumble. Out of the scrum, a player darts back down towards the goal line with the recovered ball, his teammates following screaming after him.

The only problem is, he got turned around during the fumble recovery and he is running towards the wrong goal line, about to score a touchdown for the opposing team, or safety, however that works.

His screaming teammates are trying to stop him, not cheering him on. He isn’t listening however and one of his teammates has to tackle him scant feet before the goal line! C’mon man!

Bible C’mon, Man

In order to bring some humor to some sober subjects, I ‘m going to do some bible C’mon, Man! Perhaps some Christian C’mon Man! I could write a book on business C’mon Man’s! I’ve experienced. Christian ethics C’mon Man! I’ll start with;

Leadership and taking responsibility

The setting is in Exodus 32. Moses is up on the mount with God receiving the ten commandments. He’s taking too long, and the people are getting antsy.

The turn to idolatry

Exodus 32:1 Now when the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, the people gathered together to Aaron and said to him,

“Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”

Israel was turning to idolatry, and Aaron ended up facilitating it. The high priest who represented God to the people, the priest who represented intercession for the sins of the people. Not the one offering the strategy to help them sin along with himself! C’mon, Man!

V. 2 And Aaron said to them, “Break off the golden earrings which are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.”

V. 3 So all the people broke off the golden earrings which were in their ears and brought them to Aaron.

All in, sin

V. 4 And He received the gold from their hand and fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made a molded calf. Then they said,

“This is your God, O Israel, that brought you out of Egypt.”

V. 5 So when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it. And Aaron made a proclamation and said, “tomorrow is a feast to the Lord.” (His proclamation of the idolatry they would commit on the altar he built before the calf.)

V. 6 Then they rose early on the next day, offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.

Intercession

God is angry and ready to wipe them all out but relents after Mose’s intercession for them.

V. 14 So the Lord relented from the harm which He said He would do to His people.

Confrontation & lies

Moses comes down, sees the idolatry taking place, and becomes angry. He burns the calf in the fire and makes Israel drink the ashes that he sprinkles in water. He then confronts Aaron with the situation;

V. 21 And Moses said to Aaron “what did these people do to you that you have brought so great a sin upon them?”

V. 22 So Aaron said, “Do not the anger of my lord become hot. You know the people, that they are set on evil.” (Blame: it was the people…)

V. 23 “For they said to me, make us gods that shall go before us; as for this Moses, the man who brought us out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him. (You took too long, it’s your fault.)

V. 24 And I said to them, “Whoever has any gold, let them break it off.” So they gave it to me, and I cast it into the fire, and this calf came out. C’mon, Man!!

Aaron didn’t come clean with his sin, and it cost Israel greatly. 3,000 would be slain that day by the Levites, and the plague would come. V.28

Moses intercedes again for the people, even offering his own eternal life for them V.32

V. 35 So the Lord plagued the people because of what they did with the calf which Aaron made.

We don’t know this, but the outcome could have been different, at least less severe, if Aaron had come clean and taken responsibility for his own sin, instead of offering broken leadership by sinning, and not interceding. By fearing the people rather than obeying and functioning in his role as priest, He threw Israel under the bus as it were, instead of confessing and forsaking his own sin, along with theirs.

Stay tuned for more C’mon, Man.

Prayer; Lord, help us to flee from Idolatry and take responsibility for our sin instead of blaming those around us. Deliver us from going with the flow of ungodliness whether it’s in the world or within the church. Empower us with your grace to live clean lives, and wait on you. Give us the courage to be salt and light and not be ashamed of the gospel that calls sin for what it is. May we not become Israel that lost the ability to blush, like the world around us. . Keep us pure in your love. In Jesus’ name. XO

“Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a good word makes it glad.” Proverbs 12:25

1. Get in touch; “Why am I feeling anxious?”

The answer to this usually isn’t self-evident, so I can’t see what I’m choosing. I can’t change my choices until I’m aware of how I’m choosing. I can’t break an agreement I’m making If I can’t see it.

Depression and anxiety lurk beneath the surface of our awareness, and must be brought out into the light in order to be discerned. Then a “God given” strategy needs to be found, securing relief, restoring hope and joy.

Why are you cast down, O my soul ? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance Ps. 42:5

2. Accept your feelings, without judging yourself.

Feelings aren’t good or bad, they’re just there. I’ve noticed how anxiety is linked to my own invalidation of my feelings. I deny them, judging them as “bad, unacceptable, or not spiritual,” leaving me an unresolved emotional pool that produces anxiety.

I find relief when I give myself permission to feel, then process those feelings in the light of God’s acceptance and mercy, without incriminating myself. God can’t heal what we don’t accept about ourselves. My own self judgement may be feeding my depression.

3. Lower the bar

The first time I sat in front of a counselor, years ago, Donna said, after listening to me for a while, “Dan, you need to lower the bar.” I didn’t know there was a bar, let alone that I could actually lower it. This began a long journey for me, out of perfectionism and performance.

You live anxiously when you’re trying to meet up to a bar that’s unrealistically high. When it’s too high, you don’t breathe in the grace available from God, and it’s all work, with a sense of never “arriving.”

This can come from our family of origin, depressing, and stifling the joy and hope, that could be ours. It’s not as hard as we may be making it, and who wouldn’t be anxious and depressed living under a bar set so ungodly high?

Jesus said “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28 False yokes can make us anxious, prideful, and legalistic.

What we’re imposing on ourselves, we tend to project onto others.

4. Check your expectations

Most agree that unrealized expectations can feed into anxiety leading to depression.

Who hasn’t met with disappointment in life, from unrealized hopes and dreams about our destiny, status, occupation, or marriage? Who can say “life has worked out the way I expected?” This is a large battleground for depression.

I will live a depressed life, until I can reconcile, and accept reality, as opposed to what I expected, from God, others, and myself. I will experience anxiety when I fight against the “way it is,” as opposed to the “way it should be, or should have been.” I will be ungrateful, withholding from God, demanding a different path, offering psychic resistance, not surrendering.

I may be sitting down on the outside, but standing up on the inside. We could be cursing our inheritance, demanding something dead or idolatrous, thinking we know better than God, instead of enjoying the path He Himself has laid out, being grateful for it. This can be depressing. David said;

“O Lord, You are the portion of my inheritance and my cup; You maintain my lot. The lines are fallen in pleasant places; yes I have a good inheritance.” Psalm 16:5,6

5. Release control

Surrendering control to a good God, who knows best, is our journey of faith, spiritual growth, and freedom from our control issues. Identity and self image are part of this, and God is relentless in His pursuit of our hearts. He wants hearts alive to love and mercy, not chained to our own self-enslavement, be it expectations, demands for answers, or attempts at self mastery.

I will be anxious and battle depression if I am “white knuckling it,” trying to maintain control of my life, circumstances, identity, and destiny.

I must surrender to be free from anxiety, trusting the one who feeds the sparrows, and asks “why are you fearful and anxious?” The One who says, “Come unto Me to find rest for your souls.”

I recommend Philip Yancey’s book “Disappointment with God.” A good read. Check out my resource page on this site. My “out of control living series” is born out of our need to surrender control to find peace. Our fear keeps us chained to control and self-protection, afraid to risk faith or love. Our natural mind demands answers and must know “why.” We cannot engineer a risk free deal. “The just shall live by faith.”

I hope this helps, and pray for every reader to find, wisdom, truth, and self awareness, through these words that I hope will bring God close to you. I pray for breakthrough and light bulb moments for every bondage. In Jesus Name, our Redeemer who is mighty!

Leave me some comments. Dan XO

The more you know going in, the better the chances of your marriage succeeding.

One half of all marriages don’t make it, Christian or not.

Confessing God doesn’t give you relational skills, they must be learned, and fought for.

Knowing God, without self discovery does not insure success.

You can confess God, and live in denial, not taking responsibility for who you are.

There’s nothing like getting married to find this out.

Linda and I have been married 32 years. This is neither of our first marriages.

1. Know who you are

Know yourself, before saying yes. They won’t complete you, only God can. They can enhance you, not complete you. We grow in identity our entire life, but an insecure, or undefined one, brings in unrealistic expectations about completion.

2. Know who they are

Get to know the real them. Not just the romantic them. Know them through the fire, or you don’t know them. The responsible, reliable, trustworthy, respectful, them. If they don’t honor your feelings and needs before “I do,” they won’t honor you after. What you see is what you get. You can grow together, but you will be unable to change each other.

3. Know your expectations

We all carry expectations into relationships. Unfortunately we don’t discover them until we experience the pain and conflict of them not being met. We increase our chances of success, when we develop patterns of honest, open communication about what we expect. We talk about how we feel, and what it would look like, if what we expect, was being met. Learn to negotiate in the relationship, developing give & take dynamics. You will use this over and over.

4. Know your needs, and how you will meet them

Discover your three biggest needs, and discuss how you will meet them in each other. Our needs are tied to our “love languages.” If my need is “words of affirmation,” I will feel loved by expressions of appreciation, validation, and honor. Don’t think ego, think, not taken for granted. Think, affirmation vs. invalidation, or denigration. A woman can build her man up or tear him down. A man can do the same to her. Her need could be security, or feeling protected. Her feelings around this need could involve understanding, and validation of what that looks like. Discovering and meeting needs is the life blood of intimacy. Exploring and validating keep things cooking.

5. Learn to fight fair

Learning to communicate and fight fair are the most important tools to succeed in relationship. Being secure in yourself, also helps in not being defensive, or threatened by the differing opinion of another. Compatibility is over rated in relationship. Immaturity, insecurity, and inability to communicate and handle differences, is more the problem. Take some classes, read books, and process them together. Your chances at success will skyrocket. “Happily ever after,” is not a Disney swirl, it’s the result of hard work, and learning to truly love. XO

For associated resource books, visit the resource page on this website.

We are eternal ghosts in a temporal timeline.
Shimmering like a mirage, there but not, we live out our days.
Like mirrors, reflecting either glory or death, our choice given.
Spirits eternally young, in wonder watching, time tolling on our bodies.
Tethered to an eternal God, in His image, time passes.
Waiting, we watch with hope for the door to open.
Older we become, more accepting, anticipating the inevitable.
No need to control the path, surrendering to its mystery.
Price paid, grace supplied, all is rest, embraced in wisdom.
Hope transcends fear, death is swallowed up in victory.
No longer strangers and pilgrims, the ghosts come home.
So, teach us to number our days, hearts applied to Wisdom.

When they jump

It’s Friday evening, following a hectic, full, fast paced week, running the business. I need a letdown, to unwind and recharge, catch my breath and find my balance.

As I pull into the driveway, the phone rings. It’s this new builder I’m building a relationship with. I better take this.

“Hi Dan, I’m sorry to be calling this late, but I’ve got this emergency job I need a favor on. It’s a small little thing, but I need you to take a look at it as soon as you can…”

I kick the can down the road til Monday morning, but I already know that Monday is committed and gone, as well as the rest of the week, and most of the next. A holiday will take one of the Mondays, and what about the ones I’ve committed to that are hanging, waiting for me to get to them?

What the monkeys bring

This is the barrel of monkeys, another one always in the trees waiting to jump. You can’t see them, but next thing you know they’re on your back, wanting a piece of the pie, screaming and pulling your hair. They don’t care if you’re burned out, or your needs are met or not. They’re always needy, and carry the responsibility of you solving their problem.

How do they get there?

I co-dependently let them in. My need for approval and acceptance awakens the rescuer within, I put on my superman outfit, or captain america, depending on the role, and add another monkey to the group on my back. You may be Captain Marvel, or Zena or something. The roles remain the same, one carries more bling.

If we are broken, we let everyone put the monkey on our back. With the reputation of being loyal and dependable, we are there to answer the call of too many monkeys. People with needs can tell if you have a monkey shaped saddle on your back, and they are happy to fill it with their monkeys. It’s incredible how many can fit on. I guess as many as our performance & perfectionism will allow.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms give themselves away through our emotions. What I’m feeling, is the giveaway to what’s going on. The feeling is the trigger button that pushes me over the edge. I will feel constrained or compelled, to act a certain way, to cave in and say yes when it should be a no.

I get pushed into an unrealistic estimation of what I can reasonably do, and kick into a performance superman mode. A form of denial is entered into.

“I can handle this. I can make it work.”

Stress & Anxiety

Predictably, stress increases as the monkeys clamor for more and more of my energy, time, and resources. This is magnified if your spouse has taken on too many monkeys. She needs help with hers too. “Husband love your wives even as…” what about serving? The “helpmate thing” whatever that looks like, depending on your beliefs. Come on.

Guilt from expectations & beliefs

Guilt that you “can’t do more, or should be able to…” can keep us tethered to overperforming.

Fear

Fear is involved, and needs exposed for us to see it operating. I have found the Holy Spirit more than willing to show me these dynamics when I’m interested in owning them. Fear of abandonment.

What if they abandon me if I say no, and find someone else?

What if I lose the work, and money for security if I offend them?

What if they stop liking me, if I don’t perform?

What can I do to unload these monkeys?

• Own your problem, rather than blame the monkey, or the one who put it there.
• Take responsibility for your own brokenness that can’t or won’t say no.
• Own your fear of man, of disappointing, or letting him or her down by refusing them.
• Start putting yourself first, when appropriate, instead of others, to gain their approval, or worship.
• Course adjustments are normal and needed. Restate your core values, and make decisions that reflect those values, even if others disapprove, or don’t like it.
• Take responsibility to get in touch with your own needs, and meet them in healthy ways, that won’t hurt your life, or your relationships with God and others.
• Back off your inner tyrant, and extend grace to yourself. Be kind, and let Jesus put His yoke upon you that is easy and light.
• Be direct, honest, and clear with others about what you can and cannot do.
• Remember others don’t know how many monkeys you have on your back, unless you tell them.
• Represent yourself with respect, courage, and love towards others. Sometimes a little clear communication can change everything in a lot of our relationships.
• Silence the lying tapes of the enemy about yourself and others, remembering people aren’t the enemy, but we are in a warfare. Love wins the battle.
• If you do these things, you will increase and abound, and you might even survive the journey, salvage some relationships, and even save your marriage. XO

May I practice your presence Lord, instead of that of another. May I seek the comfort of your love when I feel the need for cover.

The empty need I feel inside, I can never meet, it’s only through surrender, and sitting at your feet.

We think we’ll find the things we need in many different faces, when really we’re just seeking love in mostly the wrong places.

Loving Spirit come and be the compass of my soul. Draw me from false substitutes, and love me till I’m whole.

I choose to leave the desert of deceptive idolatry, and practice the presence of the One who sets my spirit free.

When something happens that hurts me, I tend to feel betrayed, used, or taken advantage of. I internalize things, and can get stuck in a “paralysis of analysis,” where I try to make sense of things and figure it all out. My perfectionism and “need to please,” personality tries to trap me in consternation. Of course, control is always around, involving my need to surrender my will to God and what He wills.

I’m only able to find my way out by relaxing my demands on myself, and the dynamic, and limiting the value I place on the whole thing. Easier said than done, but possible by extending grace to myself, and choosing not to make it a catastrophe.

I try to consider it more as a “realignment” that God is making, in me and my relationships, and look to Him for the understanding and clarity He wishes to extend for the moment. It’s usually less than I want, but enough to find relief for the next step.

I have found in life that clear, situation resolving answers are not often provided by Him. Those answers are grown into as I co-operate with Him, surrender, and obey what He’s showing me the best I can.

Some of those answers are never provided. Look at God’s response to Job. He was given no explanations or answers to “why did this happen?” What he got was enough though.

I’ve found that there’s more grace available to me than I give myself permission to take.

The result is that I’m harder on myself than God is. He doesn’t create the legalistic prisons for me to languish in, I see to that myself, even if it kills me. Then Jesus shows up smiling, rattles the keys at me, opens the door and we laugh together.

By grace are you saved through faith…

The need for grace; how to receive it.

In order to enjoy the grace that’s ours, we must first break the lies that are blocking grace. The first lie being that there’s none available to you. The truth is that it is available to me, but my belief tries to keep me from accessing it.

Grace blocking lies, all based on performance & perfectionism, creating hopelessness & anxiety.

• Lie: You caused this, now it’s up to you to fix it. IE self redemption, mastery.

All these beliefs come out of a performance based belief system, having it’s roots in our family of origin, and the performance culture of the world and religious system we “live and move and have our being in.” This false belief feeds the world’s culture of self mastery and willfulness that does not evidence the fruits of surrender to God, nor humility, and is humanistic at it’s core.

This belief, transferred to the church, feeds legalism and the religious spirit, and can grow to persecute those who don’t “keep the rules,” and perform for the acceptance of the “culture.”

We can do nothing to redeem ourselves, we can surrender to His redemption. . “For when we were still without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly.” Rom. 5:6

• Lie; If you had only been more discerning, able to hear God, you could have made different choices, and you wouldn’t be in this mess now. In other words, it’s your fault, and now you have to pay for it, or fix it.

You can always discern whether the wisdom you are listening to is God or not, by the sound of the whip cracking, and the feel of the lash across your back. The devil uses condemnation, shame, and performance pressure to get us working on futility.

Grace says even if you “missed God,” (and there may be no evidence you did,) God will redeem it. There is grace for our mistakes, and even at times our rebellion. Consider Jonah, who ran from the call of God. He went through some hard times, but grace was there, in the belly of the whale, then at Nineveh.

Later in Jonah’s story, grace was again demonstrated when Nineveh repented and God spared the city, exposing Jonah’s religious heart of “the sons of thunder” whom Jesus said “You know not what spirit you are of” when the disciples wanted fire and brimstone rained down on those resisting His ministry. Jonah wanted His “prophetic word” validated, rather than see a city spared by the mercy of God.

“Perfectionism is self abuse of the highest order.” Anne Wilson Schaeff

Here is the false belief behind the discernment lie;

“If I have enough discernment, obey God enough, and seek Him with all my heart, then I will not get into situations that cost me, hurt me, or create stress.” “I can discern my way out of all badness.”

The bible doesn’t teach that. Godly characters were getting into trouble all the time, and it had nothing to do with “lack of discernment,” or “missing God.” In fact, being in the middle of God’s will, close to His heart can put you right in the middle of a trial.

Look at Daniel in the lion’s den, his three friends in the fiery furnace. Surrender to God in itself brings trials. Consider Paul, who was beaten and imprisoned for casting out the spirit of divination from the witch following them around. Read Hebrews 11 again, they were all “having faith.”

Then there’s Jesus in Matthew 13 telling the parable of the sower and the seed. The seed that fell in the “stony places this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; Yet he has no root in himself but endures only for awhile. For when tribulation & persecution come because of the word, immediately he stumbles.”

He stumbles for the false belief held, saying, “if I serve God and obey Him, life won’t hurt”. He doesn’t see pressure and trial as God’s instrument for growth & character, rather as something to be engineered around willfully. It doesn’t work, and only bears the fruit of stress and anxiety. There can be no endurance and fruit without surrender. We can’t be saved only by the “loaves & fishes.,” avoiding the trial of faith, or the cross.

It is a deception if we interpret trial and difficulty as God’s displeasure in us, or “lack of blessing” when we suffer in relationship, business, or just the difficulties of life. This is how God grows our faith. James 1:2-4 Psalm 105:19

What if it’s our pride and control that’s lying to us, telling us that we are responsible to engineer a trial free life? A “life without struggle, and love without pain?” What if the pride and control is saying, if it’s broke then by gosh you better get on to fix it!

We have access by faith into this grace in which we now stand… Rom. 5:2 XO

The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe. Proverbs 29:25

Those of you on the journey with me know that this transformation mountain is one you climb a step at a time. Revealed truth is grown into through process. From glory to glory, faith to faith. That is the journey.

As I look at the title at the top, I feel it mocking me, as if I can just make the choice, and forsake fear once and for all, forever free from it’s tyranny. It doesn’t work that way. Fear is loosened little by little, as I surrender the hooks that the fear grabs onto, when God shows them to me. Unfortunately it takes fire and pressure for them to be revealed.

My biggest anxiety makers seem to develop in the marketplace, where most of my time is spent these days. I chose the above scripture since most of the fear in my life involves the relationships I’m in.

We must acknowledge the truth of who we are, and own our patterns in order to possess the promised land of spiritual growth.

Here’s what I’ve been seeing as I’ve been put in situations out of my control, with a lot of pressure on them.

It could be impossible deadlines involving schedule and timing, that I kill myself to achieve. This is my unconscious attempt at meeting my need for validation in an unhealthy way. I may need to say “that won’t work for me, or I can’t do that.” Standing up for myself, meeting my need, regardless of their response or attitude. (Since their response no longer defines me.)

He’s exposing me in my role with other people. I want to resent them for “putting so much pressure on me,” when I am the one imposing the pressure on myself, with my performance, and need to be “approved of.” In other words, I want people to like me, so the more I do for them, the more they will like me, and be pleased with me. I’m not aware of this going on, it’s built into who I am.

God sets me up like this: He puts me in a situation where it is impossible for me to “come through” for someone. Recognize the feeling? Circumstances will fly completely out of my control into the realm of the impossible. I am exposed by the intense anxiety and fear I feel because I am going to “let them down.”

There is a snare in it because it causes me to fear man to gain approval. I will sell myself out, even forsaking healthy boundaries, to avoid disapproval. This is God working on identity.

The anxiety drives me in desperation to God, who shows me what’s going on. The Holy Spirit unpacks the whole thing for me, and I surrender it for surgery. It has to be a complete surrender involving my will and attempts at control. I can do nothing about the circumstances, except cry out for His help.

I am seeing over and over again, as I trust Him with the outcome, that it doesn’t matter what the other person is expecting or thinking. The thing that matters is what God is doing. As I step aside in humble surrender, through grace, He always handles the other side in a remarkable way evoking worship, and thanksgiving. The process is repeated in the next lesson, on His timetable, requiring fresh faith, and renewed surrender.

It’s not the enemy, it’s not the other person, it’s God! He’s teaching me to recognize this process, and yield to Him through it. As I do that, the journey through is shorter each time. I have come to believe that our surrender has a lot to do with the length of our trials. When “endurance has had her perfect work,” what God is after has been accomplished, and things will change. James 1:4

Whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe…

When I do make the choice to trust in Him, I have found that I am safe from;

1 The expectations of others

Expectations can be awful, and the enemy can do a number on us when we feel we aren’t meeting up to those of others. The devil can and will distort reality here through fear. Some expectations are distorted through our own performance and perfectionism.

Remember transformation comes through surrender. I will miss it completely if I focus on the “other” and blame them for the pressure, or try to bind it away. There’s a time for that but not here. There’s more authority in surrender than shouting anyway.

2. What others are thinking

Talk about the fear of man being a snare! You know the mind battles that insecurity brings. I must not “over-perform,” to control how others think about me. Fear is the engine of control. Identify the fear, own it, renounce it, and you will find the door to surrender.

“God has not given me the spirit of fear, but power, love, and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Anxiety will always betray it’s operation if you are aware. You will be tempted & pressured to leave the place of rest and take over.

Whenever I am worrying about what “they might be thinking,” there will be torment and bondage, and more striving and anxiety will come.

Talk with the Lord about it, get a dialogue going, tell Him how you feel, hold nothing back.

I will surrender to the pressure cooker of God, which will help me to lower the bar of my performance and perfectionism, to say yes to Him as He frees me. I need to run to Him as my Refuge and my Fortress, my Rock and my High Tower. Time and again, yielding brings the miracle as I surrender to the perfect love that casts out all fear. All He wants is that yes. Pray for me and I will pray for you. XO I welcome your comments and stories!

The Lord is on my side, I will not fear, what can man do to me? Psalm 118:6

Intimacy in marriage is one of my core values. A marriage hurts when intimacy is not present. Intimacy is not just sex, although it’s an important component. It’s agonizing to hear of sexless marriages; they are out there, some anorexic at best. When someone asks “how often should you have sex in marriage?” My answer is “as often as possible.” I have scripture for that. Check out proverbs 5:15-23 How’s that for a hook? The message is clear, when things are cooking at home… I think the words “always,” and “at all times,” are used in v. 19 ( at least in my NKJV)

We are created as sexual beings without shame, for God’s purposes; through His power, we steward our sexuality to bring Him glory through our marriage, and avoid shame, by not taking sex, in any form, out of the context of covenant. Can she trust you? Can you trust her? Do your actions warrant trustworthiness? We are what we do and think about.

Someone said intimacy is “into-me-see.” Kind of like in Avatar; “I See You…”

This is not a married singles model, where you are both doing your own thing, meeting your needs outside the relationship. That’s a recipe for eventual disaster, with a nuclear meltdown in the relationship, usually not salvageable. Emotional honesty, and willingness to press into truth together, as a couple, produces intimacy. You push past pretense, ego and power games, involving manipulation and control, and “deal with the real.”

Where do you sabotage, because you can’t trust? Get honest, and talk about your styles, and what you do to each other. Own It. Try to avoid dead ends in your communication. Learn to press beyond where you normally get, by discarding hurtful patterns that are immature. Paul said “When I became a man, I put away childish things.” “C’mon man!”

You learn how to resolve conflict, and deal with the baggage of your past that wants to hang on. You don’t make your partner pay your emotional bills, because you aren’t willing to face the truth about yourself and grow. You stop the blame game, leave the victim role, and learn to take responsibility. That’s what becoming one is, it isn’t a game. It’s two people growing together, with a mutual commitment to deal with the weeds that are choking out intimacy. You tend the garden together, for fruitfulness.

Linda and I had a little blow up yesterday morning.  Omg. I liken it to stepping on a mine in a minefield; you don’t know it’s there, and boom, without warning, and you’re left checking for all your body parts. You have to find a way to stop the bleeding. Tourniquets and such.

We haven’t unpacked it yet, but we will. We have the security in the relationship, that we don’t have to be 100% resolved, 24/7. That’s perfectionism, and setting the bar too high. We won’t punish each other emotionally, or manipulate to get our way though. That’s dishonoring, and breaks intimacy, creating distance. No sulking and pouting!

We refuse to curse each other with our words, or use sarcasm. (unless we are depleted, and the flesh takes over), then we have the security, and permission to call each other out on it. We hold each other accountable, and refuse to let things deteriorate, and become destructive. We’re better than that.

Refuse to escalate. Break it off if you have to, but set a time to come back to it later, and unpack it without electronic, or other distractions. Give yourselves time to process it, and let God show you what’s going on in your heart, then disclose it in humility to each other, during quality time together. It hurts, but that’s how we grow, and the rewards meet our deepest needs.

And we know we’re in a warfare, the enemy smells blood in the water, and seeks to devour us. We have to resist him together with his lies and offenses. I like the image of us back to back in our armor facing out to fight the enemy and not each other. We have each other’s back, and forgive and resolve as much as possible.

You can’t have the intimacy I’m talking about unless you have security. That means you are safe enough, to handle the truth in yourself and your spouse, without invalidating, and dishonoring each others hearts, and feelings.

The key to intimacy is developing the communication skills to honor and validate each others hearts, desires, and feelings.

It’s hard work, requiring surrender of your insecurities, inadequacies, and identity needs to Jesus, letting him nail those to the cross. Then you aren’t defending yourself, being right, trying to get your needs met from your spouse. If you don’t do this, you will default and make it about you, remaining unable to see their heart that needs your love to heal, as much as you need theirs. Narcissism blinds you to everyone except yourself.

These words are strong because they need to be, and the truth sets us free. I’m sure you’ve noticed how sick and twisted the world is we live in. We owe it to God and ourselves, to deal with our stuff, and honor Him with Godly marriages. We ourselves will benefit by going into the promised land of intimacy, by learning to love unselfishly and unconditionally, becoming one, as safe places for one another to grow and heal.

I leave you with a trust poem I wrote;

Can I Trust You?

Can I trust you with my heart, and the things that are inside?

Will I be accepted for who I am , or will I run and hide?

There are things about myself, I’m not sure it’s safe to share.

It hurts when I’m mishandled, I need love and tender care.

Can I trust you with my heart, to tell you how I feel?

Can you handle what I tell you, and love me so I can heal?

I really want to trust you, and make you my safe place,

To know that you won’t judge me, and you will give me grace.

I really want to trust you, and run to you at last,

I need to overcome my hurts, and betrayals from the past.

I opened up my heart to them, risking all to love,

But only got a broken heart, rejection, and a shove.

I really want to trust you, with all that’s in my soul,

You can help me do that, and offer love to make me whole.

A love that’s unconditional, without it’s harsh demands,

A love that’s understanding, with kind and gentle hands.

A love that can listen well, accepting every part,

A love that has the mercy to heal my broken heart. Dan XO

For the law made nothing perfect; on the other hand, there is the bringing in of a better hope, through which we draw near to God. Hebrews 7:19

I’ve decided the devil has a pretty good memory, and he seems very diligent about keeping my memory intact concerning past sins. He also likes to amplify my present weakness, and vulnerability.

Shame is associated with this mental traffic my enemy likes to run on the freeways of my mind.

I was driving into town for my workday, and became aware of what I was feeling. When I’m not feeling hopeful, with depression lurking around the edges of my consciousness, the enemy is afoot. It’s hard to see what we live with, till God shines His light on it. Ps. 119:30

I’ve come to believe this striving associated with shame, is connected to my own efforts to redeem myself, trying to work off the disconnect I feel within, rather than coming to Jesus, my High Priest, who has dealt with all things connected to my humanity, sinfulness or struggle. Hebrews 8:1

The key to freedom lies in our choice at the point of battle in our minds. What we choose to do, and what we choose to believe will win or lose the battle for us.

When shame shows up

When the devil reminds me of some sin of my past, accusing me, telling me;
“That’s who you are.” It’s time for me to resist him.

It started in the Garden. Adam’s first response to God when He came after His man was;

he (Adam), said, “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

And He, (God), said, “who told you that you were naked?” Gen; 3:10,11

Of course, we know it was the devil who told Adam that he was naked, and began shaming him, causing him to withdraw from God, and try to figure out what he could do to fix things. A futile endeavor. “Maybe these fig leaves can repair what I’ve done…”

Jesus loves us, desiring to free us from our prisons, wherever we are enslaved, in our bodies, emotions, and our minds. Jn. 8:36

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for the pulling down of strongholds. Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.

The Devil’s Ground

Jesus called the devil a thief in John 10:10 who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. The devil has warred with God over the identity of man since the garden. He seeks to orphan the sons of men, shaming their identity, imprisoning them in sin and chains, not belonging, or knowing their true identity. The warfare is real, and the only way to win this battle is with spiritual weapons.

The devil’s strategy is to seduce us onto his turf to do battle, with carnal weapons, our own efforts, under the law. He does this because he knows we can never beat him on his terms. His terms are getting us to work, trying to achieve the goal of self redemption, rather than trusting in Jesus, and the power of His blood that finished the work, “once for all.” Hebrews 7:27

For me, it plays out like this; The devil will remind me of something from years past, seeking my agreement with him about my identity. I marvel at the clarity of memory. He will then say,

“look at this, what are you going to do about it? You’re naked, there’s shame connected to that reality, what are you going to do?”

My Reply

“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do devil, I’m bringing you, and your lying accusations to Jesus, and the blood, and I’m going to let the blood speak for me. You are going to have to deal with Him, my high priest, and intercessor, I’m out.”

“And they overcame him, (the devil,) by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.” Rev. 12:9

Letting The Blood Speak

It’s either working, or resting, when it comes to our righteousness. The devil wants us working to obtain it, God wants us receiving it as a gift of grace through faith. I refuse to measure myself, evaluating my “works” standing. when the enemy shows up to shame. The blood is my only appeal, and is quite effective, and more than enough.

Romans 4:4,5 Now to him who works, the wages are not counted as grace but of debt. But to him who does not work, but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness.

Romans 5:9
Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from wrath through Him.

Heb. 12:24 …We come to Jesus, the Mediator of the new covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling that speaks better things than that of Abel.

This is taken from the story in Genesis 4 where Cain kills his brother Abel.

Genesis 4:10 And He, (God), said;

“What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood cries out to Me from the ground.”

When the devil tries to shame me, and lure me onto His ground of law, works, and earning my own righteousness, I bring Him to the cross, hear Jesus shout “it is finished!” and let the blood speak for me. It’s all I need, and the battle is won, as the sound of the blood, speaking for me drowns out any accusation that could come from the serpents mouth.

This voice, from Abel’s blood, cried for revenge, justice, retribution, a penalty to be paid. The blood of Jesus speaks “better things,” than that of Abel’s blood. These better things are mercy, holiness,forgiveness, righteousness, justification.

Hebrews 10:19-23 Therefore brethren, having boldness to enter the Holiest of all by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He consecrated for us, through the veil, that is, His flesh, and having a High Priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus’ blood and righteousness. I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

Prayer;

Lord Jesus; thank you for the blood that tore the veil and gives me access into the holiest of all. Show me how to draw near with confidence and full assurance of faith. I let the blood speak for me declaring me holy, righteous, and forgiven. Thank you that the accuser of the brethren is cast down, and I don’t even have to deal with him. I overcome him by the blood of the lamb, and my testimony. Thank you for wisdom to defeat the devil, as you secure my identity in you. Shame and fear have no place in me. In your precious name. Amen! XO

Intruder alert!

Looking at my ringing cellphone, instant anxiety, reading the caller ID, warning me it’s my brother, a year older than I. The drug addicted homeless one, who never calls to give me anything, except another hard luck down and out story, with the appeal for another rescue for him, and his plight.

My heart always hurts after his calls, leaving me feeling hopeless, anxious, guilty, and a little desperate. This is because I still have codependent, victim buttons, he is able to access and push. God is healing and strengthening me in this process, supplying me with the grace and hope I need to gain a healthy perspective, establishing appropriate boundaries. Only these limits can protect me from the fallout and consequences if I make unhealthy choices regarding him, involving my emotions and needs. (I’m helping him, but what am I after?)

Acting like my best friend and loving brother, he’s really an intruder, who’s only agenda is to take advantage, and use me. A painful, costly, relating history bears this out. His selfish choices to remain addicted, and not take responsibility for anything, sabotages any normal healthy relating. The relationship improves, and is safer with distance and limits.

I keep believing, hoping there’s something in the relationship for me, other than pain, disappointment, and a feeling of being used again.

I enter into an unhealthy victim role of rescuer and enabler, when I try to save another from their own bad choices and outcomes. The child cannot learn responsibility if the parent rescues them from their poor choices. The adult child will be looking for a handout or rescuer, instead of learning responsibility and maturity, and owning their choices, living with them.

Truth statement; I am not responsible for the choices of another, or the resulting consequences.

Loving from a distance

We can’t control the choices of others. Their choices are “out of control”. Some of the most stressful situations we get into, involve the choices of others we are powerless to control. The spouse, or wayward child, mom or dad.

Anxiety and stress accompany these dynamics, because we can’t control the outcomes of the choices of others. However, we are not victims of other’s or their choices, if we let God show us where we’re in unhealthy roles in relationship to these people, and stop enabling and rescuing them.

It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, and help when God leads, but we don’t give our hearts in unhealthy ways to feel powerful, or garner their approval or acceptance, seeking validation in distorted ways.

It’s harder with family, and it usually is family, because we all have one, and are enmeshed in sibling, parent/child relationships. And many of us have a spouse, to get healthy with, in order to have an intimate, lasting marriage.

Spouses are not the enemy, or some curse, but God’s assignment to us, for our love to mature, and grow us out of our own selfishness and denial. You will either grow or bail. The next one, if you can keep them, will be the same or worse until you surrender your heart to what God is after. Don’t blame the devil, or your spouse, for what God is up to. You will find that in the mirror. Check out the resource page under books! XO

Thoughts about control

• God won’t compete with our control.
• When control enters the equation, God leaves it.
• Wherever control enters our life, addiction accompanies it.
• Whatever we try to control in life imprisons us, be it substance, power, sex, money, or relationship.
• Surrender is the eventual release from all forms of control.
• Surrender is the doorway to the grace that frees us.