We were enjoying a summer cookout with our neighbors when I started a conversation with a lady as I chewed through some sticky hot wings–my specialty. The conversation turned to my recently published book about marriage, and the difficulty many of us have in being able to actually talk about our relationship. We just have it, and live with it in whatever state it’s in, which is often shallow and disconnected as we hide behind our fig leaves, and endure fake relating.
I mentioned the theme I wrote about redemptive conflict, and our need to engage in conflict rather than avoid it; and how we’re unable to connect emotionally without revealing and talking about our feelings, whatever they are. The inability to talk leaves us in a lonely place. I call it the tower. She agreed with the concepts I was sharing, but shared a revealing comment–I want to be careful about poking the bear.
So, who is the bear? The marriage? Yes. Her husband? Yes. It’s whatever you fear in life or a relationship that’s imprisoning you. In my case, it was my wife, Linda, and our marriage. I could write a book about poking the bear. Oh, yeah, I already did. You do have to count the cost before you poke the bear. Especially if you feel weak, and the bear is powerful, which is usually the case. You don’t have to be married to a violent or abusive person for a power imbalance to exist in your marriage. The playing field needs to be leveled in every marriage, but discernment is required to identify the intimacy-blocking dynamics of a powerful personality dominating a weaker one. I was the weaker one, but God challenged me to poke the bear, and I did, and it’s better now.
I marvel at the fear many have of talking about their marriages, and having honest talks about how they feel, what their needs are, and how they are being met or not. There is a song out about how fear is a liar. Fear tells you that if you poke the bear, you will regret it, but the truth is found only when you poke the bear and identify the fears that are keeping you from connecting. Nothing is more refreshing than discovering what is separating you by engaging in and unpacking the fear that drives many of our dividing issues. When we talk about it, we can then connect over the truth and intimacy is created. Sadly, we let fear win, and eat crumbs falling from the table, instead of the feast that marriage can provide. He brought me to His banqueting table, His banner over me is love.
Fear is the devil’s playground, and he uses it as his big gun to paralyze us and keep us out of our inheritance as sons and daughters of God. I began reading a book on Whole and Free Health, written by Jendayi Harris. She spoke at our writers’ group recently, and we traded books. I appreciate her vulnerability and honesty in her writing. We badly need this vulnerability in our marriages. Without it, we stay locked, scared, and lonely in our towers, but Jesus is calling our names.
In Jen’s book, she reveals an eating disorder she had and how God freed her from it—until she met a man she might marry. She says, the threat of falling in love when I met my fiancé sparked deep insecurities…When I became engaged, it got worse. My insecurities around closeness made me eat more. I’m sharing this to show what our fear of intimacy and connection can do to us. It isolates us and inhibits us from giving our hearts away. The Quest is to let God into these areas so we can find healing and freedom. Whatever we can’t or won’t bring into the light will keep us chained. Until we discover what our needs are (with God’s help), we can’t bring them into the open to have them met. Poking the bear brings in the plow, and miracles follow the plow.
I share in The Quest how I was afraid to disagree with Linda or stand up for what I wanted or needed. I feared her disapproval or scorn, having been conditioned by my mother that I would suffer the consequences of disagreeing with her. God help me if I voiced my disparaging opinion or disagreed. That option was taken off the table by my upbringing until a counselor told me–You need to level the playing field, you’ve given her all the power. I guess in my thinking, I didn’t have a vote or an opinion that mattered anyway. I had no self-confidence to be assertive in a healthy way. I ran from the bear; I didn’t dare poke it.
I was being degraded in the process, a slave to her approval, even though I was throwing myself under the bus to gain it in unhealthy ways. When God showed me I was abdicating his role for my life, I had to repent of my approval addiction and poke the bear, no matter the cost. I was nice about it, but I began challenging the degrading dynamics. The story is in the book. If this resonates with you, there is much more in the book, and it will help.
To conclude, Jen shares in her book, I fully appreciate who I am and know that I am more than how much I weigh. I know God loves me as I am. I am free to be me, and I am so much better in Him. This soul freedom allows me to be honest with myself, as well as others, about what I think, how I feel, and what I need. I value myself just as much as anyone else. I’m no longer a doormat or a bulldozer. I matter…
There will be more about this later. As always, I pray for all who read my words. Buy the book if you don’t have it yet, and if you’ve read it, reviews are always welcome. There is a button on this website that brings you to my Amazon page. XO, Dan
