I’m Twenty One!
“Uncle Dan, how do you feel about dating?” asked my great niece from across the table. She’s one of my oldest brother’s sons’ daughters. We were celebrating her 21st birthday. She had never played the dating game. Her question made me want to run out of the restaurant screaming into the night. How’s that for confidence for you?
I didn’t feel qualified to answer her question as I scrolled through my skimpy history of dating. I had little personal experience or wisdom to draw upon. Being insecure and disempowered as a youngster, I couldn’t risk the complexities of dating and building meaningful relationships. So, before Jesus had my heart at the age of 19, I had only entered the arena a few times. It was easier to go party with the guys than to take on that kind of responsibility. That’s the broken masculine for you that needs healing in every man. Thank you, Adam.
I do remember taking Cynthia out on a couple of dates. One of them was to a high school function of some sort with other classmates around. Probably a dance, it’s been a minute. One of my peers, I won’t say his name, had the nerve to try to hustle her away from me. You know, the big bully on the beach who kicks sand in your face, and dares you to do something about it? (He wasn’t that big) But I was speechless and couldn’t believe the dynamic that was coming down. I didn’t know how to rescue the beauty yet, and only hoped that in my absence of power, she would stay loyal. To my relief, she did, and told him that she came with me and was going to leave with me. She had integrity, and I respected her, always treating her honorably. I think God saved me from the ultimate humiliation. I don’t think I ever thanked Him, but He knows my gratitude.
Back to the question about dating. I knew it was a God moment, an opportunity to speak into a young, inexperienced life that was trusting me for wisdom and protection for her relational future. I waited, silently asking the Lord for what to say. What would He say? We first talked of how the whole dating arena was shark-infested waters, and the need to use discernment and care to avoid the dangers involved.
The final thing I felt needed to be said was, I wouldn’t go on a date with anyone unless it was to find out if I wanted to marry them. I said that because of a philosophy that says, Why would I invest time and emotion in a relationship unless it’s a person I’m considering spending the rest of my life with? It’s hard enough to stay pure and maintain your integrity without building into a relationship with someone who may have other things in mind. It was a mentoring moment as two other young college ladies were participating in the discussion. About that time, her mom, who was listening in said, “I want grandchildren!” The moment broke up as I mumbled something about, yah, In God’s timing and with the right person. I believe she has a good head on her shoulders and will let wisdom guide her. I gave her my recently published book last time I saw her, a few months back, so she has all she needs if she applies it.
Under Pressure
If you are in a relationship with someone and considering marriage, it is wise to observe how they treat you when the heat is on. Ask yourselves these questions;
1. Does their attitude change towards you in conflict? Do they degrade, bully, or dishonor you?
Love is patient, love is kind; 1 Corinthians 13:4
It’s easy to be compliant or soft-tempered when the pressure isn’t on, but what about when the relationship starts costing them something? How do they behave then? We all have reaction patterns and coping skills that can become abusive and degrading when our buttons are pushed. It’s helpful to recognize these things and decide whether that’s something we want to be married to. It’s important to understand that what you see before the marriage is what you will see afterwards. People can grow and transform, but if there are anger issues now, sarcasm, or belittling, you can be assured there will be more later. Wisdom will give the relationship time for the true nature of our fiancée to be revealed to us. This gives both partners the chance to process and work on things now, before the marriage, to clear the road, or to decide we aren’t a good fit for each other.
2. Are you being led by the Lord and wisdom, or are you being led by your emotions?
It is human nature to want something so bad that we will overlook the negative and follow our emotions and desires into something that isn’t good for us. It happens all the time, and there are seducing spirits and self-deceiving spirits that can work against us to trap us in unwholesome and dysfunctional relationships. 1 Peter 5:8 There is safety in a multitude of counsellors, and it’s good to have trusted friends you allow into your life to watch your back for predators who want to trap or use you. The same applies to males or females. The world and its belief systems are evil, and not all can be trusted. Romans 12:1,2 The worst thing we can do is isolate and proceed without the input of others. We all need community and a network of friends who can help us stay safe. You have heard the refrain, Why do I pick losers? Or, Why couldn’t I see that about them? The answer is that you didn’t want to see it. You wanted or needed it too much. Our safety is found when we submit our desires to God and let Him open or close the doors to His will in our lives.
There are many good books on dating and premarital advice. Norman Wright has written much about the subject, as well as an excellent book on Communication: Key to your Marriage, Regal, 1974. I highly recommend it. Hopefully, the information shared today can help you, your children, or grandchildren make the right choice in the one they can love and live with the rest of their lives.
As always, my prayers go to whoever reads these words. The Lord bless you and keep you! XO Dan
